I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
