i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I'm sobbing to NWA
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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