why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
