Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
