I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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