Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
