This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
