I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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