Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
