I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
