Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Randomize
