Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
