I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
