I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
So vagazzling was a success
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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