so explain again why im purple
no
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
