Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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