I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
You took a bar mat shot.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
