I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
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