wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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