Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
