apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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