stop calling my apartment porn island.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
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