I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
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