I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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