the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
