How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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