is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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