You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
