Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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