he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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