I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
