Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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