proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Randomize
