I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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