the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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