my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
