Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
