two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
