I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
