you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Randomize
