New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
