Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
