ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Are you guys doing anything tonight?
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?