i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
