WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
