mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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