swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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