i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
