ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
