To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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