so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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