I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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