No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
