I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize