I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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