yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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