I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
