Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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