Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
