My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
